


Paranoia

by HoshisamaValmor (HannibalCatharsis)



Category: American McGee's Alice
Genre: Mental Instability, POV First Person, Paranoia, Word Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 10:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12188340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalCatharsis/pseuds/HoshisamaValmor
Summary: Is it mad to pray for paranoia, adding to madness? Or to pray to understand it, because... is my mind warning me about this, or making me more suspicious of it?





	Paranoia

_Paranoia is the result of dangerous, self centered behaviour. The subject feels under attack at all times. This is a mental reaction commonly associated with narcissistic personality. You place yourself at a higher consideration than the rest of us common mortals, and therefore think you are a target to be reckoned with. You are not, Alice. And you will never get better if you keep up with these delusions of grandeur. Step down your high horse and the traumatic events of your past. Let go, and you will see life has real, palpable beauty. Let go of the distorted wreckage you let yourself believe in._

 

I have to hurry and attend to Mrs Gainsborough's errand from the bakery, but this latest session with Dr Bumby and his thoughts have been swirling and hammering my skull.

It seems... contradictory. He wants me to see beauty in life, but wants me to let go into Wonderland.

Which one is it?

Lately when this happens, rather than keep my thoughts inside the madness, I've been trying to expunge them somewhat. The thoughts and considerations. Maybe in hopes of releaving some of the pressure in a better fashion than drilling holes in my said skull.

This notebook I've got is rather small in size, tangling the wording somewhat, but paranoid or not, I think it's for the best. Who knows what the very fact that I have been writing about madness would provoke? Am I sane for doing this or am I mad for the very fact?

Enough of this, let's pour this out, cleansing before I leave, and hopefully I'll be less disturbed.

So...

 

 

_Paranoia, according to Dr Bumby_

_is just another way to say I want attention_

_"Your time under care translated to your_

_own bubble of attention, always you and your_

_mind", the good doctor might add to his diagnosis._

_Warning signals may be a good addition to asylums._

_You might be more careful that way,_

_of all the dangers of truth and doubt. They are_

_past and beyond rationalizing there, they're just_

_fears - what may worsen the treatment? what_

_patterns will the doctors see in your words? How_

_enhanced your state of madness will be._

_To me, madness is a constant place. I expect no_

_help from my dear shattered mind. The only thing_

_you have brought me is a broken Wonderland I_

_see, but am now afraid to venture. Dr Bumby wants me to._

_._

_What if paranoia is in reality helpful, the panic and fear_

_are perhaps signals, a way for your mind to tell_

_you to be wary, cautious, because it is_

_afraid of something you have to face_

_of something you don't want to be aware?_

_...?_

 

_Why do I feel I've heard this before?_

_It's just one of those textbook definitions._

_Simple, better than Dr Bumby's stylised one._

_Maybe paranoia is to be expected after an asylum._

_Right?_

_Alienation_

_Lobotomy_

_Isolation_

_Clamping_

_Exsanguination_

 

 

 

 

 

_Oh look, an anocrym. How befitting._

 

 

 

I think this is a nice tone to end this entry. The screeching of the youngsters echoes as cue in the corridor just outside. It's enough to tell me my own procrastination session has stretched for far too long. If I don't hurry up, Mrs Gainsborough will have my head! If I so much as hear that clock ring its chyme, I may as well save her the trouble.

The poor small notebook must have been quivering with the sickening ruin I drenched it in, because it splattered itself on the floor as soon as I move. The core of paper disattaches from impact, tore from the leather spine and hanging lopsided by just a thread of binding.

I have no time for this. I need to just stash this somewhere and see the damage later on. It's not serious, I merely have to be careful from now on when I come by to write, adjusting the core back into the cover.

I am just going to do that now, as the cover is currently crossing the pages like a broken limb. Most of the writing is hidden, but by casual glance, my eyes catch an oddity.

_Para_

_is ju_

_your_

_own_

_mind_

_warn_

I swear, I wish I was paranoid. Maybe I am more than I noticed. But I cannot tell that to Dr Bumby. I'm not so sure he would see this as the sign of a sane mind.

I pick up the tattered ruin and readjust the core, just not to it's correct place. Just enough to leave a gap. This way, almost all the page is hidden. Only the left side is uncovered. I may have to pull this off the hat, but it seems like...

 

_Paranoia_

_is_

_your_

_own_

_mind_

_warning_

_you_

_of_

_past_

_fears_

_patterns_

_enhanced_

_to_

_help_

_you_

_see_

_._

_What_

_are_

_you_

_afraid_

_of_

_...?_

 

_Why_

_It's_

_Simple_

_Maybe_

_Right?_

_A_

_L_

_I_

_C_

_E_

 

 

 

Well.

Is it mad to pray for paranoia, adding to madness? Or to pray to understand it, because... is my mind warning me about this, or making me more suspicious of it? But isn't this here?  _Am_  I paranoid?

Is this supposed to be a sign of improvement?

Blasted Cat. I can hear your voice whispering these words.

Thank you very much, I feel a lot more confident on my stability now.

.

the end

.

:)

.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is cheaper than it should, but I've been wanting to write something for Alice for too long. The format will definitely not work out on mobile or something like that, but well this is what I have.
> 
> Can be read back to back with 'Wrapped up for me'
> 
> Thanks for reading, review if you want and point out mistakes. Disclaimer at the end but obviously don't own American McGee Alice


End file.
